We have a little ritual now when I put her in the car after preschool. Without fail she says:
"Had a good time"
"I so proud"
Ashlea's first painting...or maybe I should label it Mrs C's 5962nd painting as I'm not sure how much is 'authentic' Ashlea.
Who would have thought that if you internalise all the grief and trauma of the last 4 years, that when you finally open up to someone that ALL the emotion is STILL THERE? Actually maybe even I could have guessed that one. I come from a long line of avoiders - we avoid talking about our feelings. We avoid feeling our feeilngs. Such a shame it doesn't make them go away.
After establishing that I am not a fan of talking about how I feel, and that perhaps that isn't the best way of dealing with things, my psychologist told me what I had to do. START TALKING. And you know what? As unpleasant as it is, it is also kind of a relief. Finally I can let out all the 'stuff' that has been in my head for the last 4 years. She may have unstopped a dam, because I don't know if I'm going to be able to shut up now. I have pretty much kept EVERYTHING inside - there are things that happened in the NICU that I haven't spoken to anyone about, and I'm sick of carrying it all around. Its exhausting. And draining. I'm looking forward to getting it all out of my head.
Who would have thought?