Monday, April 12, 2010

Grey Clouds

 
At the moment I feel like there are a whole bunch of grey clouds gathering over my head.

Usually, 99% of the time, I am convinced that all of the good things that Ashlea brings to our lives far outweigh the difficulties of caring for her.  Things like knowing how to appreciate the little things - a smile, a laugh, a new word - "I NEED a Night Garder Mummy!!".  Things like knowing what is and isn't important in life.  Things like loving and being loved unconditionally.

But sometimes, just sometimes, the burden of being a 'carer' seems very great.  Being a carer is relentless - there is no respite (unless you get official respite) from the routines of caring.  Every day there are medications to be given, nappies to be changed, feeds to make up, therapies to do - or not do and then feel guilty about.

At the moment the burden of caring feels heavy.  I am Ashlea's carer.  Her FULL-ON carer.  I'm going to be her full-on carer for the next 20 years or so.  And then what?  I get to bury my child?

Sometimes it feels like a heavy burden.


Thankfully today in real life the sun is shining and it is still school holidays.  Hopefully we can get out and do something fun so I can be reminded again of all the great things in my life.


And maybe for good measure I'll throw in a little retail therapy as well...

8 comments:

Anna said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes it just feels like there is never going to be a break.
Hope you can enjoy today and have some retail therapy as well!!

Big brother, Little sister. said...

Alison, thinking of you and I think we need a girls night out with all us cp mums somehow! a nationwide meet up.
I also find it hard around birthday time too as it makes you think about what could have been and what is.
Bron xoxoxo

Lacey said...

Retail therapy works for me! I do totally understand your feelings though, we feel like that a lot too!

Sarah said...

Thinking of you Alison xxx

n0thingbuteverything said...

Big hugs to you Alison. Grey cloud days are never fun. xo

Fiona said...

Huge hugs heading your way from Switzerland.
Hope you got your retail therapy too!

Susan, Mum to Molly said...

I'm not surprised you had a grey skies day, given the appointments and unanswerable question(s) you describe in the previous post. Those kind of big-picture ponderings always make me feel decidedly grey...

Hope tomorrow will be kinder - and hope you get to see the beach for real sometime soon. Your invite to come visit our 'beach' (bit of sand on the harbour) is, as always, open.

Either during the day with the girls, or in the evening when they're in bed and dad's on watch for a chat, contemplate & hug...

Take care, Susan

PS: hey Bron, love the idea of a nationwide mum's dinner - better find us some wormholes...

Belinda said...

Alison, hope the grey clouds are gone tomorrow leaving a beautiful blue sky. xx.