Saturday, February 12, 2011

It's starting

It's only February, and I can feel my stress levels starting to rise.

The thought of all those weeks on the treadmill of work and school and therapy and appointments....  it's starting to feel overwhelming.

I can feel a bit of a pity party coming on, so I think I'm just going to get it over and done with right here and now.



If only I didn't have to work.

If only I didn't have to take Ashlea to therapy on my days off from work.

If only I had some time to myself.

If only we didn't have bloods for our cross match on Monday.

If only my 6 year old daughter wouldn't bring home snails in her lunch box from school.

If only Ashlea could go in the pool by herself at swimming lessons.

If only I didn't have to make formula.  Every.Single.Day.

Do you have some if only's???

You know what one of my biggest if only's is?

If only I felt OK.  Had energy.  Felt positive.  Didn't worry.  Preferably all the time.  Or at least a lot of the time.  Most of the time?  Some of the time???

Then it wouldn't bother me that I have to work, and have to schlep to therapy on my days 'off', and that my children like playing with bugs.

OK, the cross match thing that might still bother me.

Monday is the day.

Not sure how long the results take but I know the wait is going to drive me nuts.

If only I didn't have to wait to find out if I can donate a kidney to my daughter.


OK.  Pity party over.

Back to it.


Carl said...

Wallowing is good some times, as long as you come out the other end stronger.

Anna said...

You're starting to sound like me! I could have written most of what you have just written. Just not the blood match stuff (and the snails). Good Luck with it, I know how worried you must be. Prayers coming your way.

Sarah said...

Hope the cross match goes well...oh I hope they don't take too long to get the results...I have a feeling it may be a bit of a wait.

Thinking of you x

Missy said...

Alison, will be thinking of you on Monday as you wait for the results...
I think its okay to have a "pity party" or a refelctive think about the what if's...I dont think we would be "normal" if we didnt.
Our lives are very different to how we had imagined them.
I hope your stress levels stay manageable xxxxx
thinking of you, prayers and hugs xxx

Anonymous said...

I think it's normal to feel what you're feeling in your situation. I know because I'm in a very similar situation with my family.
I have 4 young boys, 5yr old ID twins who had TTTS (I too was looked after by Greg Kesby and RPAH), a 3.5yr old who has autism (and probably ADHD) and a 20month old.
One of my twins has ataxic CP and was born bilaterally profoundly deaf but hears now with cochlear implants. The other twin is NT.
I too find I have no time for myself and spend each day going to various therapy appointments and then have the guilt when I can't fit in all the things I'm supposed to be doing myself with the kids. There are various health problems I have to deal with but luckily none so serious as you are.
I'm sending you a big hug and please know that you're a true inspiration to me.I love reading your blog.
Thank you for sharing

ferfischer said...

Oh I love your list. I'm SO with you on this. SO with you. hugs hugs hugs