I have so many new things to worry about now.
Will I pass the medical? Will I actually be able to get in the MRI scanner without having a claustrophobic panic attack?
What if something happens to me? What if I die? Or have an 'adverse event' that leaves me unable to take care of my children?
Not that I care particularly if something happens to me as such, its more that I am Emma and Audrey's mum as well as Ashlea's. I need to be around for them. I need to be able to be their mum.
And then there is the whole How will Ashlea cope after surgery without me around?
How will I cope not being there?
I am the one that Ashlea looks to for comfort. I am the one that knows her best. I am the one that can read her the best. I am the one that knows what is normal behaviour for her, and what isn't and should be investigated by the doctors.
I won't be there.
I need to be there. To keep watch on the doctors and the machines and the numbers. I am SO in need of knowing the numbers.
Creatinine? Sodium? Urea? How much urine has she passed? Is my kidney working in there???
I seriously think they should have a video link up between our rooms. I will need to SEE her to know she is OK. Just quietly we will likely do our own video link between the rooms - 2 laptops plus skype = happier mummy.
Have any of you ever not been able to be there for your child after surgery? How did you stay sane?
** We will be at separate hospitals for anyone wondering why I won't be there. She will be at the Children's hospital, I will be next door at the adult hospital.