Friday, April 1, 2011


I'm totally unravelling at the moment.

At a rapid pace too.

I feel like everything is too much and I can't cope. 

The funny thing is that on the outside it looks like I'm coping - I'm working, the children are getting to school and preschool, life is continuing as it always does.

Except that the cracks are starting to show.

I just feel so stressed and like I can't take much more.

I'm not sleeping well.  I'm not eating.  I hardly ever cook proper meals, I never clean, there is washing piled almost to the ceiling.  Its like I can deal with the big stuff - I am giving Ashlea a kidney - but while I'm dealing with that I can't deal with regular, ordinary, everyday life.

There is just no damn respite from life!!

I know there are actual respite options available - but I don't trust them with Ashlea, and its not Ashlea I need respite from. It's regular life that I need a break from.

I suspect I am not the only one who feels like this - I can think of at least 3 or 4 fellow bloggy friends who I imagine are feeling pretty similar based on what's happening in their lives at present.

So.  Anyone else want to confess to not coping and join me in some online therapy?  Or perhaps in a collective nervous breakdown???


Sarah said...

Yes I am not coping well at the moment either, the everyday things and the medical crap I am drowning in. My house sounds scarily similar.

I too do not trust anyone to look after Violet for respite or even family members when they are here from interstate.

I think my MRI in May better be good news, as I am so close to being tipped over the edge.

I think with the "constant" you have with this kind of life and the next battle of kidney transplant, it would feel like it would be piling up on you. You do worry me your are not eating well, as you are only small already and you need to make sure you stay healthy.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do, look after yourself too.

Maybe you could look into someone coming to the house to help you out with those household type things, I have seriously been thinking about it myself.

Alison said...

Sarah - I figured you were in the same boat with all of the stress surrounding Violet's surgery, as well as school dramas and your own health worries.

Are you guys busy in the school holidays? I have the 2nd week off - you and the girls are more than welcome to come and visit. We are all ramped up at the front and back now too so it would be easy access for Violet even though she still isn't walking after her op. Otherwise we could come and visit you if Violet is up to it.

Belinda said...

Alison, this is a fair enough post!

I am so sorry you feel this way and not really sure how to help you or Sarah.

You are both in my thoughts and I admire you both greatly.

I am hoping you both get to catch up over the holidays! Xx

Check with your council for access to people who can help with home duties, etc:

Family and friends nearby? They should be helping you.

Sending you my love. Xx

Territory Mom said...

I haven't had a meltdown in awhile. That is the thing about them you never know when it will hit. Okay to unravel every now and then, but be sure to tie a knot at the end of your rope so you can hang on. You are a brave mommy.

Patty said...

I just happened upon your blog from another great Mom blog. I feel like I am you, I actualy felt an ache reading that post. I have a similar life I think, with three kids, my middle daughter having CP. Everyone always tells me I am such a great mother and they can't believe everything I do for her, blah blah blah. None of it ever sinks in. I was exactly where you are a few months ago and my Mom and sisters came over for a little intervention. They got me a sitter once a week, and it has been amazing. She comes at 8am and that means I can run my 8 year old to school without loading in the car. I can run a few errands alone, pure joy. While I am gone she folds all the laundry and puts it away and cleans the floors. It just gives me a mental break from being totally responsible for everyone and a physical break from lifting my little girl. It is so important to fill yourself back up and not constantly be depleted. My friend always tells me that this raising a kid with a disability is a marathon and not a sprint. I tend to sprint.

I have started my blog too in case you want to be blog buddies. I don't know what that means exactly, but I am trying to find a forum to share info with parents like you and I all over the world. I think we have a lot in common.

Good luck, and I hope you find the thing that fill you back up. You sound like you are totally on empty and as someone who has been there, I get it.
Best Wishes.

karina said...

I am so with you. I'm also dealing with the major stuff rather well, thankyouverymuch! But the everyday stuff is killing me. I want to run away from it.

Love you. Praying for you from over here on the other side of the world. Deep breaths.

Amanda Daybyday said...

I'm only dealing with sorta kinda major stuff, but really not THAT major at all and I too feel as though I'm about to unravel. Tired, tired, tired and I feel behind all the time. But you're right... the major stuff is easy. The everyday stuff is hard.

Big brother, Little sister. said...

Alison, I love your openess and really wish we lived closer so that I could come and fold your washing....I just did mine for the first time this fortnight.....Much easier to deal with big things as the little things seem too overwhelming for sure x What do you think you need in little steps to get out of the downward spiral? we can brainstorm together if you like?

Di said...

I don't have anywhere near the reasons to feel like I am unravelling, but yet I definitely have times when it feels like I just might. I don't know if it's your cup of tea, but I only recently hooked up again with a super naturopath to help me work through my recurring bouts of severe anxiety.
That doesn't help much with the getting stuff done side of things. I second others to the idea of getting help in for around the home stuff. I can assure you, if it wasn't for the wonderful Aunty J in our house, my kids would live in a diet of baked beans on toast and my washing would never, ever be folded (or washed). It can make all the difference getting some help with all those little things.
And on a completely different matter, is there a support group for families having/had transplant ops? I have a great fear of operations and I know a support group like that would help me.
Thinking of you all often and like Bron, wish I loved a little bit closer to offer some hands-on support.

Kat said...

I am so glad to hear someone else say that about respite! I am always getting told you should put Ciara in respite to get a break but I just don't leave her with strangers- esp as she's non verbal- How could I ever know if something happened if she can't tell me? It's bad enough having her come home from school with scratches, bite marks and having no idea how they came to be :(

If there is ever anything I can help with, let me know (yes, even washing folding!) I won't mind coming over and giving you a hand. I am only a message away :)

Gina said...

Alison Oh how I wish Bron and Kat lived nearer to you too so they could fold your washing LOL. I on the other hand if I was nearby I would be more than willing to feed you all or make you something to drink - I can't even fold my own washing.
Do you get homecare (says me who has never signed up for anything) so that they can come and do the folding of washing, vacuuming or even Ashlea's evening shower while you are preparing the other girls or making that elusive dinner. Hang in there. Yes, I have the occassional meltdown - you can usually tell my blog goes very very quiet ;-) - but I don't have anywhere near as much on my plate as you do. Lean on everyone as hard as you need.
Hugs, Gina

Alison said...

Thank you all for your kind words of support - it definitely helps.

Thankfully it is now only 3 days until the school holidays - I am having a week off work and am looking forward to staying in my pyjamas all day - perhaps even for the whole week!!

Nerida said...

Hi Al, please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. N xx