The last few weeks have been incredibly hard for me - not because of anything going on with the transplant - but because at the ripe old age of 40 my best friend and I have had a major falling out.
How can this happen? We're too old for this shit!!!
I am absolutely devestated and have no idea what to do to repair the friendship. I feel like I need to talk to her about it, but for the first time ever in our friendship she doesn't want to speak to me. I do understand that its hard to talk to someone when you're hurting, but I guess I am frustrated because I am really hurt too - and am trying to reassure her (and me) that our frendship will survive this, but I haven't gotten any response.
(For those wondering about the wisdom of blogging about this - no she doesn't usually read the blog and besides she has gone overseas for 6 weeks so by the time she gets back this post will have sunk into oblivion. On the off chance she does read the post I can assure her and all of you that this is in no way meant to be hurtful - I just can't not talk about this because it is such a big thing for me. If any of you think that this post could be damaging then I will edit it or remove it).
What I do know is that I'm completely devestated and don't know what to do next. I have not been this upset about something for a very long time. I still don't know quite how things went so wrong? Usually I am a 'hold it all together' kind of person, but I can not stop crying about this. I don't know if it is becuase this actual situation warrants this many tears, or if it is because ALL of the grief and worry and stress of 2011 is coming out my eyeballs right now - and this is just the trigger.
The whole thing has made me realise how alone I feel. I don't have a lot of friends - at the new church everyone is new, at the old church most people are 'Sunday friends' - meaning we really only see each other at church but don't hang out together. All the school mum friends I have are new friends too - and I haven't really had the time to put into cultivating those friendships because life is just so busy. I am really hoping to make some good friends at the new church and at school - people who we see on Sunday but who we can also hang out with at other times - and have a real sense of community with.