Can't think straight.
Feel like I can't breath.
But not despairing.
I know that God is still in control. He must just have a different plan for Ashlea's transplant.
One of my first thoughts was "God must have a plan B". But in reality, His plan is always Plan A. I don't know what the new plan is, or why this has happened but I do believe He is still in control.
It's funny, because I always say that one of the biggest lessons I learnt when the girls were in the nursery was that God is in control. He is the one that determines the number of our days - and as our creator it is His right to do so. Yet even though I say that God is the one in control, over the years I have slowly been taking back control. I have made it my mission to not just be Ashlea's mum, but to be the one responsible for keeping her alive. Not just by being a vigilant mother, but now by giving her a kidney to ensure her life continues.
I feel like this is one of those reminders from God about who is really in control.
I know many people will find this idea very unpalatable - but as a Christian I feel that I need to go on the record and say that in spite of things not turning out the way I want - I will continue to trust God.
I know there will be people who will read this and think "I don't know how you can believe in a God who could let this happen". All I can say is that I couldn't get through this without knowing that God is in control and without knowing that there is something better to come. Christians believe in heaven - where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. God is looking after Ashlea - not just for this lifetime - but for all eternity. I couldn't do this - live this life with Ashlea - without that hope.
There have been many times God has looked after Ashlea in the past - in spite of my best efforts to interfere. This week I got back the results of a medical trial the girls were involved in when they were in the NICU. It was called the INIS trial and it studied whether giving IVIG (immunoglobulin - antibodies) to sick, premature babies resulted in better long term outcomes. At the time of the trial we agonised over whether to be involved - not because we didn't want to take the risk of being involved - more because we didn't want to take the risk of Ashlea not getting the IVIG. We were so hopeful she would get it and that it would help her.
She got the placebo.
Audrey got the IVIG.
When I first found out I was gutted.
What if Ashlea had got the IVIG? Would it have made a difference? Could it have helped even a little bit? How frustrating that she - the one who needed it most - got the placebo.
After awhile I started thinking about it though and I realised (and the kidney specialist confirmed) that it may have actually been a bad thing transplant-wise for Ashlea to have received the IVIG. IVIG is basically other people's antibodies - antibodies attack infections - but they also attack transplanted organs. If Ashlea had received it she would find it very hard to find a kidney she wouldn't reject.
I believe that God was looking after her through that.
What do you think? Do you believe there is a God who is in control of this world? Or do you think everything that happens is totally random?