Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day 57 - World Kidney Day
Today is World Kidney Day. The theme of this year's World Kidney Day is to celebrate kidney transplantation and organ donation. Trust me - if I could have posted a photo of my actual kidneys I would have - but I couldn't get my hands on the images so you have my Kidney Kid instead. Trust me - she's much cuter :)
Obviously I think kidney transplantation is a great thing to celebrate as it means Ashlea has a second chance at life. Don't tell anyone though, but with 3 weeks to go until the transplant I don't feel much like celebrating.
In fact I'm starting to freak out.
This time in 3 weeks Murray will be coming out of surgery and Ashlea will be going in. I can't even imagine what it will be like on that day. We have been preparing for this for the last 5 1/2 years - and now it is almost here!
I don't know how I am going to get through the lead up let alone the actual day. I already have that tight ball of fear pounding in my chest. I already feel like I can't breath. I can't think about anything else. Yet we have to go about 'normal life' for the next 3 weeks while waiting for the big day.
I'm trying hard to stay in the moment and not let my mind wander to all the what ifs, but it's hard to not go there. You all know what the big 'what ifs' in my mind are - they are the same ones they've always been.
What if something bad happens?
What if she dies?
I can't let my mind go there I know - but it just does. I know that most likely she will be OK - but because we have been 'to the brink' in the past I worry that we are going to end up back there again. Will we end up back in ICU clinging to life? Even if things aren't that dramatic I know from previous surgeries that there are bound to be dark days in the initial recovery where I start questioning whether we have done the right thing.
I am so not looking forward to the next few months.
A couple of weeks ago in church we were talking about the following verse:
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength (Phil 4:13)
I can't remember what was said about it, but it has stuck with me. I can do everything - I can get through Ashlea's transplant - through Him who gives me strength. I may not know how or what that will look like and I probably won't feel particularly strong most of the time, but the promise still stands.
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.