Friday, April 6, 2012

T +8 The What Ifs

The last 8 days - the last 6 in particular - have been unbelievable.

Who could believe something like this would happen?  And why to us?  WHY TO US??? Haven't we already had enough crap to deal with?

Murray is one of the good guys.  He is a good and kind man.  This was a good and kind thing that he did - he gave his daughter a kidney.  He gave her life.  And in doing so he risked his own.

This morning I have a case of the 'what if's'.

What if his kidney doesn't recover?

What if his brain doesn't recover?

What if I don't get my husband back the way he was before?

What if I end up having to care for him as well?

What if?

Why God? 

What are you doing God???

I know it's too early to panic.  Murray has only just woken up from his sedation and there is still plenty of time for him to recover and his doctors are still hopeful of a good recovery - but would any of you be able to walk the same path as me and not think 'what if'.

I know that God is still in control of all things - including this - but seriously, I have no idea what He is doing.  Hopefully in time I will be able to look back and see God's good plan in all of this, but right now it is very hard to see.

Please keep praying - for Murray to make a full recovery.  For Ashlea to continue in her great recovery.  And for me to have the strength to keep caring for both of them.


Sheridan said...

I have no idea what God's plan could be. It makes no sense. No sense at all. I hope that your faith helps you through this, and that the combined power of so many people praying for you and your family will get all of you through this safely. xxx

Sarah said...

I think it's totally normal to ask "what if's".

I agree, you have all been through enough crap.

I can imagine it would be so hard to stay positive at this time, but keep trying to.

Stay strong, you are amazing Alison x

Lacey said...

Ugh, the what if's. Something you have to think about in this position. I'm sorry that you do. Did Murray have cardiac arrest? If he just dropped his Sats and had to be intubated, his brain should be fine. I bet all those drugs are making him feel out of it. I'm still praying for his kidney to get better, and for him to continue to improve and go home where he belongs! What a fantastic daddy that gave the greatest give ever!

Missy said...

Oh Alison, no I don't think I could walk your path and not hAve the same thoughts. I know it's hard in times like this to see the plan, to stay strong and have the strength to keep going. It must be hard to keep those thoughts away. I will keep praying for you all x x

Alison said...

Lacey - you're right - no cardiac arrest which is why we have reason to hope. Doctors said if it was cardiac arrest as well then there would be more chance of damage.

Kellie said...

I don't know what to say Alison, but had to reply to your post. Your family are always in our prayers. xxx

karina said...

Alison, hugs.

Jesus, in faith I ask for healing for Murray and I know if you are willing you can heal him now. Amen.

Deb L said...

You are not the only one who's been thinking, "WHY?!?!" And I have no idea either. Because the world is in decay, I guess, and maybe there won't be a more specific answer than that. But we know the one who holds the future, even if he doesn't reveal the details. Praying for you.

Casey said...

Dearest Al. Ive been praying for you since things went haywire because I suspected you would get to the 'but we've already suffered enough' stage eventually.

You have indeed suffered. Murray suffers, and your precious girls have suffered, all three.

As someone whose life has been a charmed one, I cannot begin to grasp your grief and fear.

'What if' Murray does need care for the rest of his life. 'What if' Ashlea's health only improves in the short term.

I wish, for your sake, that God promised us a charmed life. But he doesnt (and youve already experienced that). He promises us a charmed eternity and warns us of the brokenness of this world.

I pray constantly that both Ashlea and Murray will recover 100%, but I know there is no guarantee. And I fear for you and pray for you as you watch for God's intentions for those who are most treasured by you in all the world.

Hard words on Good Friday.

All my love

Susan, Mum to Molly said...

I'm with you Alison - I can't believe it either.

It just seems so WRONG for this to have happened.

So wrong for you to be looking at taking home a really well Ashlea, while Murray is still so ill.

You are right - some things just make no sense. No sense at all.

I really really hope that the time will come when Murray is completely well and himself again, and you will look back on these crazy,unbelievable days and wonder - what was that all about...

I think you are right to think and feel these things, and to rage against an awful situation - but also try and not lose hope.

I so wish our collective love could give you peace of mind right now...

Susan xx

Shasta said...

My heart aches for you Alison. This is complete BS!!! You are totally justified in your anger and confusion. I hope you can find the strength to go on and find your way to a happy ending!!

molly said...

I've been quietly checking in and my heart almost stopped just now until I read on and understood. Being all too familiar with how you feel right now all I can share is that it was only my faith that got me through and just know that no matter what happens..... He is there.

Simone said...

Alison I'm thinking more wtf! you have every reason to have a case of "what ifs" and yes you have been through enough and there are ferals out there that couldn't care less about anyone and they never have a worry in the world!

What I do know is you are amazing and you will all get through this and no matter what, good or bad you will all be ok because you are a good positive proactive person

I might be far away but I'm always thinking of you and your fam and if you need anything I'm here xo


helena said...

OMG you wouldn't be human and breathing if you didn't experience all the turmoil that is going on in your soul right now!! as a fellow CP mum i feel for you deeply, and have had my own hellish moments at 3 am many is so unfair sometimes...and that is the world we live in. and sometimes it cuts deep. and unfairly. and by surprise. i think a lot of us as christians have had a theology that doesn't expect suffering, and then when it hits it is a double whammy because our hearts feel so betrayed and abandoned by God. wish i had answers, but am a fellow traveller sending a tight hug to you, whispering to you that you can do it, no matter what, and you are not alone. live one day at a time, and leave the "what ifs" until tomorrow, where they belong - in God's hands.

Alice said...

Yes, it's totally rubbish that this is happening and it doesn't really make sense. I've been saying the same to friends I've been sharing your news with. Keep going. We are all praying for you guys. Xxx

Rachael said...

My thoughts are with you all at this dreadful time xxx

Fiona said...

I have been thinking 'what if' ever since this whole thing started Alison.

Your whole family are still in our thoughts daily, and we talk about you so much that Sofie (age 6) asked when are we going to visit your freinds with Emma, Ashlea and Audrey?

You are walking an amazing path, and so many of us are learning so much from your journey.

Ronda said...

Luckily. There is a God.
If there was no God, this life would be all there is. It would be so unfair, you would suffer and then die and then nothing.
But there is a God and he does have a plan, he is in control and he loves you. We can't understand how any of this could be good because we don't have all the information. But His plan is good and wise and just and he works all things for the good of those who love him and for his glory. He is the allpowerful creator of the universe and he loves us enough to send his own son to be crucified .... For us!
Last year as we listened to John Piper we were urged not to waste our lives. Now I urge you not to waste your suffering. Not that I think you will because you never have. I expect now, as always, you will use your suffering to develop patience and perseverance; to focus on heaven and not on this world; to urge us into prayer; to remind us of the things that are important; to encourage us and give us hope in our suffering; and glorify God.
Take courage my sister, you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Alison, I saw your post yesterday only minutes after you posted, and have been thinking about it ever since.

I wish I had warm words of comfort but I don't. They sound empty and glib. Like - I am guessing - pretty much everyone reading this, I have railed at the sheer unfairness of all of this. It is completely, totally unfair that after everything you've gone through, that all this should be happening and you should now be running what ifs on a whole new set of bad possibilities. When you have so much to cope with, it is completely unfair that you should have more. When Murray gives up a kidney for his child - a loving thing to do, and yes, he IS a good man, bad stuff should not happen. And so on.

It's really hard to reply to a post like this with any sort of integrity without uncovering the elephant in the room of my mind. And that is - that my kids and husband are fine. That we don't have to cope with half the stuff in a year that you have to deal with in a day. That we did nothing to deserve the good fortune that is ours and that we completely take for granted 99% of the time. As you did nothing to deserve the struggles you have. And I feel guilty about that, why do i have it so good when you don't? How can I even look you in the eye? Even though I know that guilt is pointless. And that makes saying glib words so hard, because I've heard the glib words from people in my own times of pain and suspected they were just filling the air to make themselves feel better, and I don't want to be that person. But then I don't want to be that person who walks away from the hard post, either.

But here's what I do think. I think it sucks, all of it. Romans 8 is my favourite chapter in the Bible, one that I turn to when times are tough - or even when they aren't. It's a reminder that God knows our pain, that he understands it maybe even better than we do. That while we are bound to futility, corruption, decay and suffering, that the whole creation groans, that we will be redeemed. That we HAVE been redeemed. That we have hope. That all the stuff, little and big, that makes life difficult and fretful will be gone, and it will be just what it is we always wanted (even though we can't really comprehend what that is, I know it will be RIGHT).

Heaven is going to be very sweet indeed. We won't be broken, any of us, in mind, body, spirit, soul.

I am glad, that even when we don't understand now, that we share that certain hope. Can't wait to see you there.

Marcy said...

You all have been in my prayers. and will continue to be until everyone is HOME!