Monday, September 17, 2012

Ugly

What do you think is the ugliest emotion?

I reckon it has got to be anger.

I am so angry at the moment.  Angry at God, angry at Murray, angry at myself, angry at everything that has happened.  Pretty much angry at everyone and everything.

It's ugly.  I am not a nice person to be around at the moment.  Even I can't stand to be around me.  I don't know what the answer is either.  I've been hoping it will just go away on its own but that doesn't appear to be happening.

It's funny because I never went through a really angry stage with Ashlea.  As much as there were times when I was incredibly frustrated, for the most part I wasn't angry.  I was sad.  All the time.  Sad for Ashlea, sad for us, and also a kind of 'collective sadness' for all the sick children we would meet.

This time around it's different.  This time I'm angry.  Fed up.  Frustrated.  Had enough.  Want to get out.  Angry.

It's ugly.

A friend posted this on facebook recently.  It is a hymn by John Newton (who wrote Amazing Grace). I found it helpful.  It doesn't really help with my anger problem, but I guess the idea that God is using these circumstances to bring about His purposes and make me more like Him does give some comfort.

Here is the hymn on youtube:




And if hymn singing 'isn't your thing' here are the words alone.


I asked the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know;
And seek more earnestly His face.

Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust has answered prayer;
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair!


I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request;
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins--and give me rest!

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part!

Yes more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe!
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low!

"Lord, why is this!" I trembling cried,
"Will you pursue your worm to death?"
"This is the way," the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self and pride to set you free;
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may seek your all in Me!"


* I have gone with the modern translation of verse 5 which uses 'cast out my feelings' rather than 'blasted my gourds'.  I don't really know what it means to have one's gourds blasted but it is a pretty awesome description don't you think.  Anyone else feel like they've had their 'gourds blasted?'  How did you get through it??


13 comments:

Big brother, Little sister. said...

Alison I am so sorry you are feeling so angry which is the emotion I find really scary sometimes.......angry is so easy when you are so tired, exhausted and at the end of your tether....maybe a weekend away? Alone?Sometimes its best just to remove yourself from a sitation so you can breathe and look at it a bit more easily from the outside? I am more than happy to come and to Sydney and join you! :) seriously xxxx sending you all my love xxx

Anna said...

Anger is an emotion that I find scary too. Sometimes we can't help but express ourselves by being angry. It is just part of 'being'. I am with Bron and think you definitely need a break of some description. But other than that, don't fight the anger. Just acknowledge and feel it. Do you know what you are really deep down angry at?
Wish I could help you in some way. Thinking of you and sending lots of prayers xoxx

Alison said...

Thanks Bron & Anna - I'm sure a trip to Melbourne would help :)

Dianne said...

I don't think anger is always destructive - depends how you use it - and lose it. After all, you have every right to be angry! Apart from the blog, do you have a way to vent? Anger management is one of the main reasons I took up running. But I've always thought boxercise classes would be fun...

Dianne said...

Oh and yes, please come to Melbourne! Time away is golden. And you so deserve a break x

Michelle said...

Hang in there, girl. You're doing such a good thing.

Susan, Mum to Molly said...

I remember the anger storm triggered by January 2006 very well...

At one point I feared the anger would consume me complately. I even did a community college course to try and figure out what to do with it all.

I was JUST SO ANGRY. ALL OF THE TIME. I was really worried about what on earth I was going to do with it all.

In some respects it is still with me, and I think I will never again believe in a good & merciful god.

You need to find a way to vent, safely. Accept the offers of friends who are willing to listen.

I wrote lots of letters I didn't send, and some of which I did. I ranted & raved to anyone who would listen.

And slowly, ever so slowly, it eased a bit. Became less intense, less all-day-every-day.

It does still rear up from time to time, and I'm sorry to say there is no quick-fix that I know of.

In some respects anger is a great motivator, but too much can be a bad thing - as you have discovered.

I hope that it will start to give you a break soon, little by little.

Big hugs,

Susan xx

Anonymous said...

Oh dearest, this post and that hymn were just what I needed today. Funny how we are all so familiar with "Amazing Grace" and its story yet I have never heard this hymn before. No one really wants to embrace this side of Christianity...the very painful "refining of faith" side. Just last night I was crying and praying and asking God why he has made it so very hard right now. I am angry, too. I trust that one day we will have peace. I pray that once we are out of our valleys we will look back and understand and (maybe even appreciate?) these overwhelming circumstances thrown our way. Until then, I trust that God is big enough to handle our confusion and anger and appreciates our honesty.

Linda said...

Anger is understandable, and now that things have settled down, you have time to feel it. I know time is precious right now, but with the kids in school, can you think about therapy for yourself? Depression can present as irritability also, something to think about.
Good luck.

Felicity said...

Alison - that is so raw! My heart hurts for you. I don't think this kind of anger is the ugliest emotion. To me it stems from deep hurt and just doesn't know how to manifest itself any other way. It's heart breaking and isolating, gut wrenching, lonely and painful, and it's also not separate from God. He feels it too despite the fact he sent it our way. I cannot say why He does that, maybe the future will make it clearer, maybe not. But we all stand with you in your struggles and in your anger. You need to allow yourself to feel this and vent it with control. I like the sound of boxercise. I'd personally love to kick a door in! I pray that this will pass quickly and God will instill on your heart an overwhelming peace.
What do I think is the ugliest emotion? Jealousy - its ugly to the core!

Deb said...

Yeah, hang in there Alison! The anger is totally understandable and God's a big guy - he can take it.

Gina said...

I love the suggestions on some time away. That is a very healthy option and one I absolutely and wholeheartedly support. So please let any one of us know if we need to help step in to help you " find a way or make a way to get away".

Anger doesn't come my way all that often (not sure if that is all that healthy) but remember reading something about using anger as a motivator some 10 yrs ago and being the master of it... couldn't find exactly what/who I read but this is kind of along the same lines... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-morton/action-or-reaction-how-to_b_133553.html

What an honest post... thank you for prompting me to stop, think and ponder how we are travelling here in our home.

xx

ferfischer said...

Oh Alison - I wish I were closer. I guess this internet will have to do. Anger sucks. It's even harder when there is nothing to be angry at - just anger. Hugs to you my friend.