The real reason we haven’t been on many holidays over the years isn’t because of the ‘degree of difficulty’ involved with Ashlea (and now Murray), or even because of the cost. It’s because I find them highly anxiety-inducing.
See the thing is – I have an anxiety disorder. A pretty rampant one. The only reason most people don’t know about the severity of it is because I work SO HARD to cover it up. And mostly I can cover it up.
Until I am taken out of my own environment.
Cue the panic.
So here we are on holidays and I am feeling so anxious today I can hardly function. I don’t want to tell the kids what is going on as I don’t want to trigger Emma’s anxiety. I think what makes me even more anxious now is that I can’t rely on Murray to take over looking after the kids if I need a break – not all three of them anyway.
|Emma was dying to catch a fish. Fish count: Emma 0 Audrey 2.|
We did manage to go fishing this morning before I lost it. I think that was part of the problem – I started feeling really hot and low blood sugary / low blood pressure-y in the heat and then the thought of being away from home and sick (GAH – WORST NIGHTMARE) kicked in. At the moment I told the girls I just need a rest and have sent Murray to the pool with Emma and Audrey while Ashlea and I are chilling in our ‘cottage’ (as she likes to call it). Well, Ashlea is chilling. I am spiraling into crazy territory.
How can I stay here another week? I want to pack up and flee. Maybe Aunty Carolin could come up and take over and I’ll go home and have a week at home alone (to a panicking introvert that sounds VERY appealing).
I don’t know what the solution is to my anxiety. I have tried meds and mostly the side effects are so unpleasant that I can’t persist with them. I’ve tried therapy but in the moment of an anxiety attack I can’t think straight to use the techniques I’ve been taught. I hate it when I am forced to realize just how much my anxiety hinders my life. So many things that we do (or don’t do as is usually the case) are because of my anxiety. I hate how much control it has. But after trying to gain control of it for the better part of 40 years I realize I have made very little – if any – progress.
I am beyond frustrated that God allows me to continue suffering from anxiety. I am in my forties now – surely I should be over this? Why can’t he just take it away? Why won’t it just go away?? Surely it’s all in my head and I should just be able to stop it anyway???
I try to pray when I’m anxious. I know God listens and could take it away in an instant…and yet He doesn’t. I am assuming that means that somehow it will be for my eternal good and for His glory for me to go through this in the here and now. It’s kind of hard to believe that sometimes though.
I have so little faith that God will actually help me when I’m anxious that I’m going to have to rely on the prayers of others – all of you. Please pray that this anxiety would go away (and not recur or pop up in Emma) and that our family can enjoy this holiday.
WOW. That was a bit revealing wasn’t it? After a year of thankful posts that didn’t really give away a lot about me I may have now gone too far in the other direction. Who cares. I need your prayers.